She Didn’t Let Herself Go – The Blazingly Honest Confessions of a Woman Who Used Sex as a Weapon in Her Marriage

– Within five years of marriage, we had two children and lived a fulfilling life. Once, in the middle of a crisis, my husband lost his job. There were no jobs in our town, so he found a job in another country, but we had to move. I was forced to leave my family, parents, brothers, sisters… I had never lived outside my community, so moving out of the country was a big step for me – she explains.

Finally she agreed. My husband left a few months ago to arrange everything and find an apartment and a school for the kids. They were finally together in their new school, town, and neighborhood.

– But I had a hard time adapting to our new life. I began to find faults in my husband. I set all kinds of conditions for our intimacy and sex. I refused sex if I was not satisfied. Life was difficult for me, and I blamed him for it. He tried to explain to me that we had no choice, but I could not forgive him – she says.

For the next ten years, she continued to impose on him the fact that she was unhappy.

– No matter how hard he claimed to work or how much money he made, I made sure he knew I was unhappy. Sure, I made friends and integrated into the community, but I wasn’t around my family, and our children didn’t get the chance to grow up with relatives like I did. This had nothing to do with the fact that my siblings started moving around and scattered across the states because of their careers. This was my husband’s fault. He should have made sure they didn’t have to live too far from family, she wrote.

She began as she was told—wrapping it around her finger.

– He worked overtime to get a promotion and a pay rise, and when he got home he would take care of our kids so I could have a break. I didn’t want to work and would often call my family during the day to get updated. For a while it was a pleasure to wrap the mouse around my finger. I controlled him and punished him because he didn’t provide me with “stability”, didn’t “fight” for me so that I could have the life I dreamed of – she explains.

However, after a few years, her husband changed, his sense of humor disappeared and he was no longer interested in sports.

Photo: Dreamtime

– He stopped dreaming about being an entrepreneur. He stopped sharing his life with me. He stopped dreaming with me. He was cautious about what he talked to me about or what he would say. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I crushed him and punished him for disappointing me and our children. I set unrealistic conditions for him and my love for him. I blamed him for wanting romance or intimacy. When he had something to celebrate with me, I would ignore it because it wasn’t enough – she admits.

Finally one day, after they moved for the second time because of her husband’s job, she realized she wanted to do something.

– I decided not to be a victim anymore, and I started an affair with a divorced neighbor. Although I did not show off, my husband Z sensed that my feelings were elsewhere. When he knew about it, he went to the neighbor and talked to him. The neighbor found out about my affair, so it was time to move. At that moment, my affair ended. In the end, my husband found a job in our town, and we were able to return to my place of birth – she writes.

They finally got home and she thought her dream had come true.

– I could be closer to my family. However, many of my siblings and their families moved to another country, so my dreams died at that point. The problem was that I was angry at my husband. I thought our marriage might go back to how it was before the move, but that didn’t really happen. The habits I developed and the way I treated my husband never went away, and he no longer trusted me. He was still selective about what he talked about or shared with me because he was afraid I would use it against him, criticize him, or bring it up in an argument, she explained.

She became increasingly dissatisfied with him.

– I began to despise him because he seemed to be a shadow of the person he once was. He seemed so flawed and weak. I went from admiring him to despising him. I lost many years of my life in the marriage, I was forced to live far away from my family and didn’t have the stability I needed, she claimed.

Ultimately, she ended her marriage through a final “revenge” with a man who gave her what she wanted, “stability” and control over my life.

– A few years after my divorce, my vindictive affair and behavior took a heavy toll on our children. I now know that the “end” of our marriage started with my manipulation and mean behavior. My current therapist advised me not to bring this learned manipulation and conditional love behavior into my new marriage, but that is easier said than done. I still struggle with this today – when the going gets tough, I tend to revert to those harmful behaviors. I even use it with my children. Bad habits are hard to break, even when you see how harmful they are – she wrote for Your tango.