Women’s experience: “For good sex, it’s not the skills, techniques, positions or acrobatics that matter, it’s the other stuff that matters”

I don’t want to be that person anymore. “I want to be in a relationship, I want to find love, I want to have a great sex life,” said Oliver Persimmon, who said that until she was 30, she had had sex with two people less than 10 times.

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She noted that the lack of intimacy pushed her to want to be a great lover, but it turned out that wasn’t exactly what she expected.

Great sex is about letting go of control – Oliver Persimmon, comedian and author of Accidentally Single

When Persimmon finally gets to have sex again, all she can think about is, ‘Am I doing this right? Does my body look sexy in this position? What was that loud noise we just made?’

“I was thinking about everything that didn’t matter, I was judging myself, I was judging my partner, I was trying to understand what was going on,” Persimmon recalled.

The problem, she says, is that she thought it was important to know all the “tricks, techniques and positions” to be good at sex, but now she realizes that’s a completely different thing.

Great sex is a sensual experience – Sarah Biden, sex educator for adults and students

– People often view sex as a performance – something they have to do “right” rather than as a Sensory Experience – Sarah Burden.

– Influence is not something mechanical. Influence must include things like communication and relaxation, trust, connection with parents … some way of relating to each other and adapting to something more personal than we work mechanically – he explains.

He said many couples focus on orgasm — either their own or their partner’s — as the end point, adding that orgasm is important but you shouldn’t focus solely on it.

– Ž I want to deconstruct orgasm as an activity we commit to and open it up to more context Orgasmrather than for this single goal – she said.

Bryden suggests thinking of sex not as a performance, but as a game.

– How aroused can you be without touching genitals? Can you explore &ZeroWidthSpace together? What turns you on – he asks.

Good sex is about connection

Determined to turn things around, Persimmon embarks on a journey of sexual self-discovery, which she describes in her humorous book, The Sexual Intercourse Chronicles: My Quest for Sex, Love, and Orgasm.

Through a series of education, including BDSM classes and orgasm mediation courses, she learned a lot about herself.

What she learned, she said, was that her tremendous shame around sex, as well as her fear of intimacy, led her to avoid sex.

– I liked to be in control, somehow I felt a burden of control over everything in my life, and when it came to sex and dating, I didn’t know how to let go – she recalls.

After having sex with her ex-boyfriend for the first time, Persimmon told him about her affairs Insecurity. She said it required her to be vulnerable, something she had never done before.

– If you’re too self-critical and not connected to your partner, even the right moves won’t relax your body, and you experience the most pleasure when your body is relaxed – she says.

Persimmon said the relationship only lasted a few months and he had recently gotten out of another long-term relationship. She said those relationships taught her the importance of vulnerability and communication.

– It’s a constant struggle for me to be more vulnerable, but I’m definitely allowing it more than before, and I think the easiest way to be more vulnerable is through honest communication, she says.

Great sex is love for your body – Emily Nagoski, sex educator

– When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your sexual partner, it can have a huge impact on how you feel about your body, says Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., sex educator and author of the bestselling book Come as You Are.

If you lack confidence because of your appearance, Nagoski recommends exercising. Eric Stice and Carolyn Becker call it “The Body Project.”

Good sex is about exploring new things (a “yes, no, maybe” list can help)

If you want to have new sexual experiences with your partner but you don’t know how to tell him — maybe you’re worried he’ll make fun of you or judge you, or it’d be too awkward — then this list is for you.

Contents at a Glance Activities in the bedroom You can try things together. You and your partner will both check out what you are definitely ready to try, what you might be willing to try, and what you are definitely not ready to try. Once you have them filled out, you can exchange lists to see what you are both interested in. NBC News.

This list will allow you to explore new possibilities together while maintaining boundaries.

– This is the starting point for a conversation about better sex – Persimmon said.