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Rappler’s Life and Style section features an advice column written by husband and wife duo Jeremy Bell and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy holds an LLM from Oxford University. He is a banker with 37 years’ experience, having worked on three continents. For the past 10 years he has been training with Dr Holmes as a co-lecturer and sometimes co-therapist, particularly with clients whose financial problems are interfering with their daily lives..
They have co-authored two books: Love triangle: understanding the mentality of the male and female protagonists and Importing love: Philippine liaisons with foreign countries.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
I have been married for 17 years. I am 51 and my husband is 52. My problem is with my husband, a bank manager in Indonesia. He is bold when he drinks and says bad things. We had our first big fight in 2013.
He went out drinking with his friends and came back and kept asking me who the other men in my life were. I kicked him in anger and left home with my kids. He didn’t know where we were and it took him 3 weeks to find us. He apologized and promised that he would never do it again. In 2018, I was chosen as an ambassador for a company that is a large agricultural company.
So I’m always with the tech guys and the bosses. Sometimes when he’s on vacation I’ll take him with me to the point where my bosses and the tech guys know him now. His anger is unfounded. But he’s never physically hurt me.
Last week we argued with him again (via video) and he said things like: “You’re a prostitute; unlike other prostitutes who get paid, you’re the one who pays the men.” or “Your mother has a lover.”
My mother is dead and he has never met her. When he came to his senses, he apologized and said he didn’t know what was wrong with him. I wanted to leave him a long time ago, but I hesitated because of my obligations to him as a wife and as someone who promised to respect him and obey him.
We fight whenever my husband gets drunk and accuses me of things I never did. My children are all alienated from him because they see how he treats me and hear the horrible things he says to me.
My oldest son (23 year old boy) has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and paranoia and is in treatment. My son remembers all the harsh discipline my husband (his father) inflicted on him, even though it started when he was 6 years old.
I need advice because if I leave my husband my son’s life is ruined and I can’t stand it. I have tried several times but when I do it my son’s life becomes a mess. I don’t know if my feelings are justified because he treats me this way.
He is a good man and a breadwinner, but when he gets drunk or I don’t want to have sex with him, he changes. Please help me? How can I clear my mind and make the right decision? – SARA
Dear Sarah,
You say you have a husband (“Jim”) who only has problems when he’s drunk or sex-deprived, and you have a son (“Bob”) who is bipolar and paranoid, who is estranged from Bob because of Jim’s behavior toward you, and who loses his temper whenever you’re away from Jim.
I wonder if you and Jim have discussed his alcoholism and the problems it has caused. If he apologizes and promises not to do it again, then he probably has an alcohol problem and should consider something like Alcoholics Anonymous. Alternatively, if his promises are just formalities and are easily broken, then he really has little respect for you, which is not the best foundation for a marriage.
However, his behavior seems to affect your son Bob in two contradictory ways. You say that Bob is estranged from his father, but as soon as he is away from Jim, his life becomes a mess. This seems contradictory, but perhaps it has something to do with his schizophrenia, which is a thinking disorder after all.
Dr. Holmes may comment further on this and any commonalities between the father and son’s behavior.
As for the future, it seems you have two obvious choices. You can stay married and work on Jim’s drinking problem, or if that doesn’t work, you can leave him and do everything you can to prepare for your relationship with Bob.
Finally, when trying to balance the conflicting priorities in your life, don’t neglect to consider your own well-being, which is vital to both your future and that of your family.
all the best,
Jeff Bell
Dear Sarah,
Thank you so much for writing in. Yes, your feelings are absolutely valid and I hope that some of the information I will share with you below will not only help you process your feelings but also give you the knowledge to help you more effectively deal with the issues you have with your husband “Bob” and your son “Jim”.
Since bipolar disorder has a genetic component, Bob may also have an untreated mental illness. study People with conditions such as depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and autism are more likely to have genetic variants at the same four chromosomal locations, according to a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH).
You wrote that your son was diagnosed with “bipolar disorder with paranoia.” The fact that your son was diagnosed with a mental disorder (bipolar disorder) with symptoms of paranoia is good news in a sense because paranoia is no Mental illness.
It is true that paranoia can lead to painful doubts (which can also be present in schizophrenia, a mental illness). but Paranoia may still include a degree of insight. Paranoia may still include questioning these beliefs, so cognitive behavioral therapy can help.
In contrast, psychosis involves a deeper, more intense detachment from reality. It may be accompanied by delusions or hallucinations and often requires a more intensive, detailed plan to manage its symptoms.
You also mentioned that Jim remembers all the “harsh discipline” that Bob (your husband and his father) inflicted on him…even though it all started when he was 6 years old.
However, this harsh discipline may have actually begun much earlier than when Jim was 6 years old, even though that is the earliest he can remember. In general, the earlier childhood trauma occurs, the more severe its effects are likely to be. Severe childhood abuse, especially Link Develop paranoid thoughts and even hallucinations.
Therefore, I wanted Jim to receive treatment not only for his bipolar disorder and the paranoia that comes with it, but also for his trauma. Many evidence-based somatic therapies are effective. All forms of somatic therapy incorporate the body and bodily sensations into treatment. Somatic therapies involve the body more than traditional therapies.
Somatic therapies prioritize “body awareness” — how clients notice, identify, and respond to bodily sensations that arise during therapy — and use this awareness as leverage in the healing process. There are several professionals in the Philippines who are trained in different somatic therapies. If you would like to learn more, please contact Two Pronged.
In other words, dear Sarah, your son would probably benefit from somatic therapy in addition to the medication and talk therapy he is receiving. Jim would also benefit from some kind of therapy.
It is inevitable that a person will suffer from bipolar disorder, and whether Jim or, most likely, Bob, suffers from the disorder, they should not be blamed for it.
However, one person able He is to blame if he does not take steps to help himself: follow the advice of your psychiatrist and commit to making lifestyle changes that will help you deal with these difficulties.
Two examples are regular exercise and abstaining from drugs and alcohol. If Jim and Bob refuse to do those two things, then perhaps you can clear your mind and make appropriate decisions about how to spend the rest of your life.
Now is the time to put yourself first because it will also help you be a better mother to Jim and partner to Bob. Whether you continue to be Bob’s wife or separate (if he refuses to see a psychiatrist or do things that make him better) is up to him.
It’s time to change and put yourself first. You don’t do this selfishly or “for yourself”, but in a mentally healthy way, which we all should do. We all should do this because of self-respect and boundary setting (differentiating between what is okay and what is not okay). Because it is “Too many” (Too many).
Oh, Sarah, please forgive me for overwhelming you with so much information. Please write to us again if you need further assistance.
all the best,
Mr. Holmes
– Rappler.com
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