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Rappler’s Life and Style section features an advice column written by husband and wife duo Jeremy Bell and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy holds an LLM from Oxford University. He is a banker with 37 years’ experience, having worked on three continents. For the past 10 years he has been training with Dr Holmes as a co-lecturer and sometimes co-therapist, particularly with clients whose financial problems are interfering with their daily lives..
They have co-authored two books: Love triangle: understanding the mentality of the male and female protagonists and Importing love: Philippine liaisons with foreign countries.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Bell:
I’m not getting what I need from my husband. Can I get it from someone else?
This happened about five years ago. He read a message from a coworker of mine and misinterpreted it. All of a sudden, he stopped having sex with me.
But what am I supposed to do? Not interact with anyone in the office? That’s not how work works.
What do you think about this?
Frustrated Wife
Dear Frustrated Wife (FW),
thank you for your letter.
Your husband (we’ll call him Joe) may be the latest man to suspect his wife of infidelity based on what he read. However, the price he demands—no sex for five years and who knows what else—is unusually harsh, given the lack of other evidence of the alleged betrayal.
You don’t say how much effort you’ve made to resolve this impasse. If you’ve made no effort, or have only made sporadic efforts to explain the facts, then perhaps you need to ask yourself why this is happening.
However, if Joe is unresponsive to all your attempts to clear up the misunderstanding, then the question becomes, why are you still with this stubborn person? What kind of marriage do you want to maintain, and why?
Maybe your motto shouldn’t be “an eye for an eye” but “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Keep the moral high ground and create a new life for yourself, preferably with a reasonable and respectful partner.
Good luck,
Jaffe Bell
Dear FW:
Thank you for your letter.
At first glance, your letter does seem like it was written by a woman frustrated by her husband’s behavior. However, upon some analysis, your letter seems more like it was written by an angry woman looking for a reason to have an affair/relationship with another man.
This is not a judgment, just an observation. But if this observation is indeed correct, it is important to recognize that so that you can be less self-righteous, less miserable, and more effective.
Why do I think you’re more angry than frustrated? Because when you wrote about how your husband misinterpreted that text, you didn’t express any remorse. To be clear, I’m not looking for self-flagellation or even for your endless attempts to convince your husband of your innocence.
Yet, your response was bland, very low-key, and yes, almost selfish. You seemed to just shrug your shoulders and think to yourself, “Grow up! I can’t help but interact with my coworkers! If this upsets you, that’s too bad.”
It’s like you almost welcome his reaction because, ultimately, it gives you a reason to do what you really want to do — be with someone else — and not be blamed for it. After all, who could blame you, a woman wrongly accused of infidelity, for being “deprived of sex by a man who misunderstood just because of a text message?!?”
Oh, FW. To be sure, what you did was normal, because anyone who feels that their spouse doesn’t appreciate her will try to find ways to make him appreciate her again.
But if she feels like he’s taking too long to fall in love with her again (and that time could be as short as a day or as long as five years), she’ll find her own way to feel appreciated—on her own, through her girlfriend, or, most likely, through another man (or men).
So, absolutely no judgement here. However, I think you need to make sure you can look back on this decision and feel confident that you did the best you could. You don’t sound like an irresponsible, uncaring person. Because while you could have easily rationalized and had an affair from the beginning, you didn’t, or didn’t until you decided that another affair would irreparably damage your relationship.
So, be fair to yourself and explore those ways you may have overlooked that might reignite some of that spark that could lead to a better marriage, or, if you’ve decided to move beyond that, explore some ways you can end your marriage with dignity and integrity, hopefully to the benefit of both parties.
At this point in your marriage, it doesn’t matter who started it, who is the chicken and who is the egg. What really doesn’t matter is that you can take the first step (which, by the way, is mainly because you are the one we communicate with; we will say the same thing to him) so that neither of you can stop blaming, being angry, and wanting to get back at each other. Then you can really start the healing process without any hidden agenda.
If you write to us again, we may be able to help you get to that point. However, you may no longer be interested in your marriage, and perhaps admit that there is something more negative in it, a deeper reason why you both want this sexless relationship to remain as it is. How could he get away with what Mr. Bell calls an “unusually harsh” response? Is it because sex is so painful for both of you that you both decide that not having sex is a better option? Could this be the reason why you both accept this five-year “drought” without arguing?
Mr. Baer also mentioned that “an eye for an eye” might not be the best credo. I couldn’t agree more. Realizing that both of you behaved inappropriately (?), rather than one party being innocent (you) and the other being the culprit, will help you resolve the separation (in your mind, if not in law – which will be difficult to resolve without a divorce law passed) by reducing mutual accusations and making it easier to achieve fairness.
After all, you can’t love everyone, but you can be decent and upright to everyone.
I sincerely hope you don’t hate me,
Mr. Holmes
– Rappler.com
If you have any comments, questions or suggestions, please send them to twopronged@rappler.com.
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