It’s Father’s Day, and you’ve hugged the old man and given him a gift of aftershave, fancy socks, or a “World’s Best Dad” mug. He’s contentedly reclining in his favorite chair with a drink at his elbow. What do you want to read him now? A collection of sentimental quotes about fathers? Stories about some of the most inspiring fathers in history?
of course not.
[See more: These are the best things to do with kids in Macao]
Instead, you’ll want to share some of the best dad jokes in the world. To help you out, the Macau News team has compiled some of our favorite jaw-dropping jokes. In what we hope will become an annual tradition, we’re proud to present the Macau News Father’s Day Dad Jokes List.
High fives, back pats, and fist bumps to all the great dads, stepdads, trans dads, grandpas, father figures, and male mentors out there. You guys are awesome.
List
What is blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
What do you call a Brazilian on the moon?
An astronaut.
How many Asian moms does it take to change a light bulb?
“Don’t worry about me! I’ll just sit in the dark!”
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
arrive.
to whom?
No, “for whom”.
Apparently the French have their own alternative to cannabis.
They called it “ouid”.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but this flag is a big highlight.
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one does it before it’s fashionable, the second one does it out of irony.
My wife said, “This is the fourth time you’ve gone back for dessert! Aren’t you embarrassed?” I said, “No, I always tell them it’s for you.”
What is the combination between a joke and a rhetorical question called?
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
She said she missed me. Normally, that would be nice, but she was reloading.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. Three movies, and a few shorts.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest of the time is workdays!
Child: “Can you help me put on my shoes?
Dad: “I can try, but I don’t think they’re for me.”
Have you heard of the restaurant on the moon?
The food was great, but the ambience was lackluster.
A Chinese pun that doesn’t work well in English
Child: Dad, do you have any religious beliefs?
Dad: Yes, I believe in sleep.
translate
Child: Dad, are you religious?
Dad: Yes, I firmly believe that sleep is important.
Explanation for non-Chinese speakers
The last character to fall asleep (feel, horn) is a homophone of teach (horn), the character that denotes religion and is used to form the Chinese words for Christianity (基督教), Islam (我是佛教).
What do you call a deer without eyes?
Eyeless deer.
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he’s just a little shellfish.
Teacher: Mathilde, does your father help you with your homework?
Mathilde: No, he did it all himself.
Teacher: Joao, why are you late for school every day?
Joao: Every time I turn a corner, I see a sign that says “School – Slow Down”.
Who is the worst superhero?
Spider-Man because he’s a failed-man. (Shi bai de (It means “failure” in Chinese and is pronounced the same as the transliteration of the English word “spider”)
Portuguese dad’s classic joke
Two balloons float in the desert. One of the balloons reads “Look! A Cactus!!!” (Pop music!) The other person responded “Where?” (Pop music!)
What did one cannibal say to another cannibal while the other cannibal was eating a clown?
“Does this taste weird to you?”
My friend wanted to be an archaeologist but I tried to stop him. I was sure his life would be ruined.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I love a bad joke. This is how you roll your eyes.
An explosion occurred at a cheese factory in France. Brie cheese is everywhere!
One time my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For several days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Why do clams kill oysters?
Shellfish reasons.
To the person who stole my sneakers and high-visibility jacket: You can run, but you can’t hide.
Every morning for the past six months I have loudly announced to my family that I am going for a jog, but then I don’t. This is my longest joke this year.
You think gas and electricity are expensive, but have you ever seen chimneys? They tower into the sky.
What do you call a woman who lives on top of a church tower?
Beauty.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now I am waiting to be treated in the hospital.
I was so excited to go to work this morning, I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every 2 hours and cried.
If slow-moving elderly people use canes, what do fast-moving elderly people use?
Go ahead, cane.
I told the circus I was tired of being a human cannonball. So they fired me!
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