How to respond when your ex contacts you

There’s no telling how an ex will come back into your life after you’ve gotten over them. If you’ve just received a random text, DM, or call from your ex, you might feel a little confused (or even nervous). Luckily, by figuring out what you want, you can come up with a plan that will keep you calm while still responding. Read this article to learn everything you need to know before you respond to your ex.

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（edit）Please pause before answering.

1. Pausing allows you Calm down Evaluate your emotions. When you get a random text from your ex, it can bring up a lot of emotions. Responding to a text or call too quickly can be a bad thing—if you haven’t thought it through, you might say something you regret. When your ex contacts you, be sure to give yourself time (an hour is fine) to pause.⁽¹⁾
   
   • Additionally, replying too quickly can make them feel like you’re sitting by the phone waiting for them to contact you.

（edit）Get clear on your feelings.

1. Before you respond, think about what you want to get out of the conversation. Do you still have feelings for your ex? return With them? How do you think this conversation will go? honest Before answering, have a goal in mind.⁽²⁾
   
   • Try to think about how your ex might be feeling the same way. For example, if you broke up a few weeks ago and your ex hasn’t moved on, they might want to get back together. However, if it’s been a few months and your ex is in a new relationship, they might just be reminiscing.

（edit）Keep it casual and polite to maintain a friendly atmosphere.

1. Treating them like a friend will help keep things civil between you. Try not to immediately dive into questions or beg them to get back together. Instead, respond to their messages like you would anyone else. This can help foster a casual relationship with your ex if you want to Friends With them.⁽³⁾
   
   • “Hey! I’m glad you reached out. I wanted to ask you for some advice.”
   • “I was just about to text you! How are you doing?”
   • You can politely stay in touch with your ex, but make it clear that you are not interested in her.⁽⁴⁾

（edit）If you are confused, ask them why they are contacting you.

1. If you’re not sure, the only way to know is to ask why. Maybe they just sent a cryptic “hey,” or they messaged you about something they did together in the past. Ask them why they’re contacting you now and what they want to get out of this interaction.⁽⁵⁾
   
   • “It’s great to hear from you. May I ask why you contacted me?”
   • “Why are you texting me now? We haven’t talked in a long time.”

（edit）If they want closure, listen to them.

1. Your ex may reach out to you to apologize or clarify something. If this is the case, it’s up to you whether you want to chat with them about the history of your relationship. If your relationship was bad or you’re not ready to forgive them, just ignore their messages. However, if you think it might be good for you to chat with your ex about what happened, listen to what they have to say.⁽⁶⁾
   
   • “I’d love to hear your thoughts on our breakup. Maybe it’ll bring some relief to both of us.”
   • “I’m willing to talk to you, but I’m not sure I’ve forgiven you yet. This breakup is really hard for me.”

（edit）If you are not interested, try not to lead them on.

1. Maybe your ex wants to get back together, but you don’t. If that’s the case, it’s best not to respond to their messages. Staying in touch with someone who still has feelings for you will hurt them, and it won’t make you feel good.⁽⁷⁾
   
   • This is especially true if you have another partner. You don’t want to get your ex’s hopes up, and you don’t want to hurt your new partner in the process.

（edit）If you’re not ready to talk, ignore them.

1. You are under no obligation to respond to your ex. If you still recover If you’re tired of the relationship after a breakup or don’t want anything to do with them anymore, read their messages and then delete them. It’s completely up to you whether you want to talk to your ex again, and ignoring them is a great way to keep them out of your life.⁽⁸⁾
   
   • Sometimes an ex will try to get back into your life when they see that you’re doing well. If you’re doing well and your ex isn’t, they may reach out to you because they regret breaking up with you.
   • If you’re dating someone new, you may also want to ignore their messages. Responding to your ex can be hurtful to your new partner, which is the last thing you want if your relationship is going well.
   • If your ex tries to send you a gift, don’t feel obligated to respond or react.

（edit）If you want to get back together, try not to get your hopes up too much.

1. Just because your ex reaches out to you doesn’t necessarily mean they want to get back together with you. There are many reasons why your ex might reach out to you, and wanting to rekindle a relationship could be one of them. However, your ex could also be reaching out because they want to end the relationship, because they want to be friends, or because they just want to connect one last time.
   
   • Getting a random text or call from your ex can be a shock. Although you may be upset, don’t assume you know what they want until they tell you.

（edit）If you want to rebuild the relationship, ask to meet up.

1. A face-to-face conversation is a better way to talk about your feelings. If your ex reaching out to you seems like a blessing in disguise, then you may still have feelings for them. Test the waters by letting your ex know that you’d like to hang out or chat with them. If they agree, they may be willing to get back together with you.⁽⁹⁾
   
   • “Hey, great to hear from you again. Want to get coffee this week?”
   • “I’m glad you texted me. I need to talk to you about something. Can you come over soon?”

（edit）Resolve any issues before getting back together.

1. Trying your relationship again could result in an on-again, off-again situation. While the thought of falling in love with your ex again may be tempting, think about why you broke up in the first place. If the same issues come to the fore, you may not want to get back together (especially if you haven’t talked about them yet).⁽¹⁰⁾
   
   • This push-pull relationship can really take a toll on your mental health. Constant questioning and worrying about your relationship rarely leads to a healthy, rewarding partnership.

（edit）Respond to any late night messages the next day.

1. Late night texts or calls could mean your ex is drunk or lonely. You probably don’t want to talk to a drunk ex on a Friday night, and they may not remember everything in the morning. If your ex contacts you after 10pm, keep them on read status until the next morning.⁽¹¹⁾
   
   • Definitely don’t respond to any “Are you awake?” texts, as this could mean your ex is looking for a one-night stand.

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