How to date without Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge

Ally Jackson had been single for about four years, and like many women, she was tired of dating apps. Swiping had become a tedious, routine activity, something she did when she was bored. So Jackson decided to delete the apps and try something new: meeting people in person.

In October, she committed to attending two social events a month, even though she didn’t know many people. At first, Jackson signed up for singles meetups and speed dating parties, but she found that she was happier at non-dating gatherings, such as adult summer camps and running clubs. It was at a social gathering, hosted by a friend outside her circle of friends, that Jackson met her current boyfriend. She went to the event with the sole purpose of chatting with people. Finding romance was a bonus.

“I feel strongly that the reason we hit it off so well is because, at least on my end, I was just hanging out,” Jackson said. Dating and Relationship Coach He also hosts a popular dating advice podcast. Looking for Mr. Height“I didn’t think about how I was going to impress anyone or try to meet anyone.”

Over the past few years, many singles’ frustration with dating apps seems to have reached a tipping point. Some app users are fed up with the lack of courtesy in online dating: More than 85% of 18- to 34-year-olds surveyed by the Pew Research Center said they Someone on a dating app keeps contacting them Even if they say they’re not interested. Others complain that it’s unpleasant to go from strangers to lovers in a matter of days. Forbes Health/OnePoll survey finds 79% of Gen Z respondents are tired of dating appsOn TikTok, the number of views is a few millions urge audience arrive Delete their appalthough Tearful young women recount their dating disastersWhether on or off the app, people are wondering why it’s so hard to meet someone or make a real connection. Market cap of Bumble and Match Group (which owns Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, etc.) It has shrunk by more than $40 billion since 2021.

While nearly all couples have found other ways to date, some singles — especially those whose only dating experiences have been mediated by the web — may find that they lack in-person flirting skills. Experts say the key to hooking up with real people is to focus on having quality conversations with everyone you meet and not take rejection personally.

One of the biggest challenges of in-person dating is not knowing where to meet someone. There are stereotypical locations — a bar, a party — and there are romantic comedy locations — an elevator, a bookstore. But the key is to find a place where there are people you don’t know. Think of an activity you enjoy doing, relationship experts say, and then find a club or party around it. Susan Winter. Try not to view these social events as opportunities to meet potential romantic partners, Winter says, but rather as opportunities to learn more about something you’re truly interested in. If you’re having fun, it’ll be less stressful.

These events can be one-offs, like concerts, or regular events, like an amateur softball league. But the more often the group gets together, the less intimidating it will be to approach people because they’ll already be familiar with you. “My biggest advice for people who feel more introverted or afraid to approach others is to go to more events so you can connect with people until they’re no longer a stranger and you don’t feel as intimidated,” Jackson says.

If you’re comfortable attending these events alone, go for it – it’ll encourage you to chat with more people. To show that you’re open to being approached, Aida TaghaviMake eye contact, don’t cross your arms, and turn your face and body toward the person you want to talk to, suggests Dr. Carolyn Miller, a licensed clinical psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group. Take your headphones off, too. (If you’re not sure if someone is interested in being approached, look for the same signs in other people.)

Winter said it’s okay to invite friends along, preferably people who are willing to talk to new people. Jackson said small groups of two or three are good. The larger the group, the less likely a stranger will approach you. “If you’re in a group of eight, (almost) no one will approach the group,” she said. “It’s intimidating.”

The workplace is one of the few places that isn’t a good place to meet a potential partner. Think twice before trying to date a coworker. Sure, you may know their personality well, but you run the risk of making people in the office uncomfortable if your relationship doesn’t work out. Additionally, any power imbalance between you and your romantic partner could lead to an inappropriate relationship. If you decide to pursue a coworker, Review your company’s policy on dating co-workers And let things build slowly at social gatherings outside of work, Jackson said.

Dating apps remove the ambiguity about when people meet: If someone is on the platform and matches with you, it’s a good sign that they’re willing to go on a date with you. Real-life interactions are much more ambiguous. While people are rightfully concerned about not coming across as creepy when approaching others, experts say the best course of action is to simply chat with someone not because they’re a “potential” but because they’re a person worth talking to.

Don’t focus on flirting; Practice your conversation skillsTry complimenting a stranger at the bus stop or asking the bartender sitting next to you if he or she would recommend a book they’re reading. Listen carefully to their responses and ask follow-up questions based on what they say, Winter says. Soon you’ll find something that interests both of you. “If you get stuck, forget that they’re your romantic partner,” Winter says. “Actually tell yourself that they’re a human being and your mission is to engage with this person.”

It’s completely normal to feel nervous when approaching strangers. Bela Gandhidating coach and host Smart Dating Academy podcast. But the best way to overcome those nerves, she says, is to talk to more people. Start in low-stakes settings, like the grocery store, and try to chat up the least threatening people you meet. “Have a few icebreaker games in your back pocket that you can talk to people about,” Gandhi says. “The key is to be representative. Being representative builds confidence.”

Another way to get your conversation reps engaged is to get your friends involved, Gandhi says. For example, while volunteering, challenge yourself and a friend to talk to three new people in 30 minutes. Then, you can talk afterward.

It’s important to pay attention to the other person’s verbal and nonverbal cues to determine if they’re enjoying the conversation. If they give you short, terse responses and aren’t making eye contact, they’re probably not interested, Winter says. You might consider exiting the conversation gracefully to avoid coming off as creepy.

Most of us want to be approached by an attractive stranger at a party, but “everyone wants to be approached by someone,” Gandhi says. You may need to be the one leading the conversation — it’s not about being desperate, it’s about being social. Even if you don’t strike up a romantic relationship with someone, they have the potential to be a new friend, a professional connection, or even an introduction to their single friends.

Maybe you’ve been chatting with someone for a while and the conversation is flowing: you’re laughing at each other’s jokes, making eye contact, and both of you are asking each other questions. All signs indicate that both of you are interested in getting to know each other better.

You don’t need to explicitly mention that you want to date them, but keep it lighthearted, Jackson says, by saying something like, “That was really fun. Maybe we can find a time to try out that new (bar/restaurant/tennis court) you mentioned,” or “We should exchange numbers and meet up at (mutually-loved band) next week.”

You can take another approach to crushes you see at recurring events. If the object of your crush is another student in your pottery class, try asking the entire group if anyone wants to get a bite to eat after class, Jackson suggests.

The ball is in their court now and you have to accept any outcome, good or bad.

There are many reasons why people might turn down a date. They might already be in a relationship, they might be moving to a new city in a few months, or they just don’t feel the romantic spark. You can take it personally, Winter says. If their response is rude and unkind, you’ve dodged a bullet.

Try not to get caught up in thinking you’re unworthy of love or not attractive enough, Gandhi says. Instead, put yourself in their shoes, Jackson advises. Imagine a time when a really nice guy asks you out, but you don’t feel a spark. Chances are you’re not thinking this person isn’t worthy of romance. “If a guy came up to me, struck up a conversation with me and asked for my number, and I said, ‘I actually have a boyfriend. I’m not interested,’ I wouldn’t be embarrassed for him,” Jackson says.

Obviously, don’t insult your partner if they say no to a date. “Respect their decision and move on,” Taghavi says. “The right relationship for you is one where both of you feel aligned about your intentions.”

If you’re turning someone down, be nice but direct. You can say, “My pleasure, but I’m seeing someone else. I’m sorry,” or, “I really enjoyed our conversation, but I’m not interested.”

There’s always a risk that the other person might not take kindly to your rejection. That’s their problem, Jackson said. Now you know for sure you made the right decision. “If someone responds to your very clear, kind communication in that way,” she said, “that’s terrible for them. It’s really unfortunate that they see the world in that light, and I feel bad for them.”

Dating in real life can be emotionally fraught, but you can take the pressure off. As long as your expectations are just to have a pleasant conversation with someone, romance will soon follow.