Do perfect couples exist? | Responsibility

After his new marriage failed, Juan Carlos Gutierrez wondered why his relationships weren’t working out like his parents’, whom he considered the perfect couple.

“I never saw my parents quarrel or argue. They were always affectionate and loving towards each other. My dad worked and my mom took care of us. “I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get along with my ex-partner in the same way,” reflects the 33-year-old, who has been married twice.

Finding the perfect partner is an ideal that has permeated culture and social expectations since ancient times. However, psychoanalysis offers us a different take on this concept, stating that “love is giving to someone who is not one’s own what one does not have.”

Although seemingly cryptic, this statement invites us to reflect on the differences inherent in human relationships and how rigid ideals—whether social or personal—often prevent us from accepting and adequately processing those things that do not fit into the logic of our existence.

Christian La Torre, professor of psychology at Unifranz Franz Tamayo University, assures that, in his experience, there are no perfect couples, as perfection is an unattainable ideal.

“The perfect couple cannot exist, because the idea of ​​perfection implies an ideal. What does exist are couples and their different arrangements and ways of dealing with their differences, through which, paradoxically, they seek to connect. The key here is connection with the differences of others and of oneself,” says the psychologist.

Likewise, Spanish psychologist, author and lecturer Patricia Ramirez points out that a couple is made up of two imperfect people.

“There are couples who are complicit, who admire each other, who love each other, who rise above their differences, who choose battles so that mediocre discussions have value, there are couples who know how to resolve conflicts, there are couples who respect each other, who recognize each other, who laugh with each other, who support each other. But they are not perfect couples. They are just couples,” he clarified.

Thus, couples therapy emerged within the field of psychology, a psychotherapy specialty that focuses on specific relationship issues, such as communication, power relations, and sexuality.

Through exercises and joint tasks, couples therapy aims to improve communication and resolve conflicts rather than focusing on each person’s personal problems.

Psychoanalysis also reminds us that each person is unique, which means there is no single way to resolve conflict in a couple, Latorre clarified. What may be conflictual for one person may not be for another, and the solutions are not universal.

One clinical example Latorre attended illustrates this point. A woman who grew up in an environment where sadness was the norm suffered violence from her partner, who despaired of being able to make her happy. For her, sadness was part of her identity, while for him, it was a problem that had to be solved in order to achieve the ideal of “making a woman happy.”

“It is no coincidence that he chose a sad woman in his life, with whom he could test the realization of that ideal that was deeply imprinted in him. For her, it was not a problem to go through life sadly, even if she complained. For him, it was a problem. It was enough for her that he listened to her complaints, even if these complaints did not lead to any action. For him, being listened to meant that they paid attention to her and she was no longer sad,” he said.

In this case, destructiveness emerges when psychological resources are insufficient to cope with the other person’s differences.

According to psychologists, the solution is not to change others, but to understand that it is actually ourselves who are annoying them.

“It is vital to know yourself. While this may seem basic, the reality is that due to the pace of life and other circumstances, we don’t stop to reflect on ourselves. We rarely take the time to ask ourselves, what makes us angry? When, why and why do we react? Differentiating between what is yours and what is the other person’s can help avoid many unnecessary conflicts,” he points out.

The key elements of married life

Despite the differences, Latorre identifies three key elements to a successful and lasting relationship: effective communication, self-knowledge, and the ability to negotiate and accept each other’s flexibility.

this communicate This is essential for couples to live together, especially when there are significant differences between the two of them. Maintaining an open and honest dialogue allows both parties to express their feelings, expectations, and concerns. Actively listening to each other and ensuring mutual understanding helps avoid misunderstandings and builds a relationship based on trust.

“Hearing is very different from listening. It’s like when you pass a lot of information on the screen of your phone with your fingers, without really stopping to understand or reflect on anything, so we can hear a lot but hear nothing. If my clinical work and the cases I treat, as well as my own clinical cases, because I analyze myself, have taught me something, it is that in order to listen, you must first learn to listen to yourself, so as not to cover your ears. ”, reflects Latorre.

he Self-knowledge This is another important key to living together as a couple. Understanding who we are, our own needs, limitations, and emotional responses, allows us to better handle stressful situations. By understanding ourselves better, we also become more aware of how our attitudes and behaviors affect others.

at last, Negotiate and accept flexibility Differences are essential to living in harmony. Recognizing that each person is unique and has their own values, beliefs, and lifestyle allows us to build stronger and more realistic relationships. Being flexible means being willing to compromise in certain areas and find solutions that benefit both parties, without trying to change the other person.

Finally, while there are no perfect couples, there are some couples who find ways to accept each other’s differences. Perfection does not lie in the absence of conflict, but in the ability to manage conflict and grow together from it.