Sex worker and academic Hilary Caldwell waited 20 years to share her story. Now she’s using it to inspire others

For a long time, scholar and sexologist Hilary Caldwell did not publicly disclose her career as a sex worker.

“Initially, I kept it secret to protect my children. Then, as they got older, I kept it secret to protect my grandchildren,” she told ABC RN’s life problems.

But recently, she realized she felt sexually aroused and wanted others to feel the same way—and that was incompatible with living a life hidden.

“Silence doesn’t give people power. So I felt like a fraud,” she said.

“I also realized that if I was just helping kids get through school and pay the bills, I wasn’t giving them a good start. What they really needed as an adult was my honesty.”

So she decided to share her entire career story with her family and those around her to tackle slut-shaming and help people understand the healthy power of sexuality and desire.

Myths about sex workers’ work debunked

Caldwell began working as a sex worker 20 years ago when she was 36, recently divorced and had young children.

She works very hard as a nurse and although it is very rewarding, it is also very hard.

“I love taking care of people physically, the clinical care, and the whole hospital system,” she said.

“But I have to start later, finish earlier, and I have to put four kids in daycare until 9:30 or 10 at night.”

She became involved in sex work and decided to place an ad in a newspaper offering her escort services.

Caldwell said she worked from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on her first day and earned more than a week’s normal wage.

“The first day (of sex work) was definitely about the money,” she said.

But she was surprised to find that she was enjoying it, too.

“I saw four clients on the first day and they were really nice. They wanted me to have fun and good sex; they didn’t want to do anything to me, they wanted to share something with me.

“I immediately gave myself permission to enjoy that.”

Negative and positive experiences

Caldwell shared her story in her memoir, Slut: Reclaiming Shameless Sexuality.

She’s well aware that her job isn’t easy—“sex workers definitely work hard,” she says—and that her positive experiences with sex work aren’t representative of every sex worker’s experiences.

“A lot of people just go to work and don’t feel anything special about it,” she said.

There are also some sex workers who have very negative experiences.

Research Studies show that experiences of trauma are “almost universal” among Australian sex workers, and they are at higher risk of mental illness, alcohol and other substance use disorders.

Caldwell agreed that sex work is “absolutely” a harmful job.

“But the problem is not the sex, and it’s not the work – the problem is the way people treat us; the problem is the way people treat sex workers,” she argued.

“If you’re a prostitute, you’re the worst person in society. Every woman knows that. It’s a warning to all women: don’t do it. So if you do it, then you have conflict, and I think that’s where the harm comes from.”

She pointed Research This suggests that the stigma associated with sex work has a negative impact on sex workers, with effects including emotional exhaustion and psychological distress.

Caldwell also said stigma could push sex workers to the margins, “away from the rest of society”, making them more isolated and vulnerable.

Resist slut shaming

Caldwell finally decided to share her experiences with sex work for another reason: to prevent others from using her silence against her.

“I suffered a lot for keeping this secret… I was blackmailed, extorted, stalked, all kinds of terrible things that happen when you have secrets,” she said.

“Secrecies themselves become dangerous.”

Caldwell believes that by sharing her story, she is taking a firm stand on how we view sex and sexuality, especially women’s sexuality.

She said women were deprived of sexual rights from birth and were instilled with “a concept of shame”.

“Slut shaming is rampant.

“(I’m) going to stand up against slut shaming, not become a victim of it … and take action to actually address the issue.”

Caldwell, who worked on her doctoral research, researched sex work and interviewed women who were clients of johns. She found that many did it to gain sexual autonomy.

“When you get that euphoric feeling, you feel like there’s something really good about you, even if it’s coming from a place that society doesn’t think is supposed to be good,” she said.

“Your body tells you. When your body tells you something as strongly as it does during an orgasm, it’s more powerful than any message you’ve ever received. It can be truly transformative.”

Learn what you like

So if sexual exploration or empowerment sounds like something you want more of in your life, what’s Caldwell’s advice?

First, find out what you want on your own terms.

“Masturbation is a great way to learn what you like,” she says.

“So knowing what you like is the first step, and then being able to express it is the second step.”

Learning more about your own fantasies is also a helpful step, she says, and working with a fantasy coach, sex expert or sexologist, or attending sex festivals, can give you the space to talk about them and get ideas.

“Also, give yourself permission to experiment as much as you want, but don’t be ashamed.”

Caldwell believes that many women say they don’t like sex “because they haven’t had the kind of sex they really enjoy in their lives.”

“They don’t get the chance to have the kind of sex they would like.

“If we view the sexual experience as something wonderful, rather than something obscene and shameful, then women may not feel like they don’t enjoy sex.”