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I’ve always considered myself a “normal” person. A little eccentric, sure, but other than that I was just my average computer geek who, thanks to a lucky upbringing, found myself on an exciting career path.
I worked for a judge, then Google—I’m known as the inventor of the “did you forget an attachment” pop-up in Gmail—and then I co-founded a women’s shoe startup, Shoes of Prey, which raised $35 million in venture capital before failing.
While searching for a cure for his midlife health crisis, Mike Knapp found an explanation for the problems that had previously troubled him.
It wasn’t until my 40s, especially after my wife quit her job two weeks before she found out she was pregnant, that I suddenly found life very difficult. I was plagued by overwhelming anxiety, brain fog, tinnitus, severe ear pain, insomnia, and fatigue. I had been prescribed a CPAP machine for “severe” sleep apnea, but the specialist was puzzled because I didn’t look like someone who needed it. I also had been grinding my teeth more and more, sawing a hard plastic splint in half one night. I told my puzzled doctor that I felt like “a 90-year-old trapped in a 40-year-old’s body.”
For a while, I wondered if I had long COVID. The timing matched the symptoms, and so did many of the physical symptoms. The dramatic part of my brain often asked if I was dying. Medical tests showed otherwise.
After more than 12 months of waiting to get a formal psychiatric diagnosis—a $3,000 childhood review—I now have my answer. I have neurodivergent disorder. Specifically, I have autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (often shortened to “AuDHD”).
This was quite a shock at 43. It was like discovering that I had been wearing a silly hat since the day I was born, even though no one had ever thought to mention it. All of my personality quirks and unique struggles suddenly became more understandable; every previously embarrassing encounter could be analyzed in a new light.
Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg says her neurodiversity is the source of her “superpowers”.Credit: Getty
Autism affects around 1 in 40 Australians, while ADHD is twice as common, at 1 in 20. Both conditions went undetected in my childhood. According to my psychiatrist, I was not diagnosed early because my intelligence allowed me to “mask”; consciously monitoring my facial expressions, for example, or scripting conversations in advance. It may be for a similar reason that autistic women remain underdiagnosed and their experiences understudied: they are said to be better at masking in social settings. Our truths may remain undetected until major trauma strikes.
Some of my recent physical symptoms are what I call “neuro-divergent burnout,” likely triggered by years of video calls during COVID. During this time, my brain has been in overdrive, trying to decipher nonverbal cues through a tablet screen while also maintaining a high level of executive function. Due to my “always on” brain and the lack of physical boundaries between home and office, I’ve been working extremely long hours. Don’t get me wrong, COVID has been extremely hard for most people for similar reasons, but I believe some of us have struggled especially because of our unique neurological systems, which make us very susceptible to extreme burnout.
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