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Given how difficult things can be, experts are always working to help families communicate with their loved ones who have dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Against this backdrop, a panel of experts has published a list of 10 phrases that should never be said to a person with dementia because they might cause him or her stress or confusion. Among them:
1. Don’t you remember?
Experts warn that this question may force the patient to admit that he does not remember a certain event or conversation, making him feel uncomfortable, nervous or embarrassed. Experts recommend not asking this question, but instead starting with “I remember when” and then continuing the conversation. This way, the patient can calmly search for memories without any nervousness or embarrassment.
2. “I Just Told You”
Experts confirm that the second worst thing to do with a dementia patient is to remind him that he asked the same question, because he may do so due to short-term memory loss or when he has difficulty expressing a certain emotional need or desire.
They warn that reminding patients that they have just asked the question does not help them remember next time, but rather reminds them of their condition, which can be painful. Experts recommend that stakeholders answer repeated questions calmly and patiently in a level tone.
3. “Your brother died ten years ago.”
Difficulty remembering events is a hallmark of dementia, including family deaths that occurred years or decades ago. Experts say reminding patients of a loved one’s death can be so painful that they may react to it as if they are hearing the news for the first time again. Instead, you should talk to them about the deceased person and then distract them by moving on to a new topic.
4. “You’re wrong”
People with dementia often confuse facts, events and words because of their condition. But experts say patients should never be told what they say is incorrect, adding that trying to correct a mistake could make them angry.
5. Use long, complex sentences
Experts say people with dementia cannot handle long, complex sentences. It can be difficult to process because it expresses multiple ideas at once. Instead, people should use short, concise sentences to clearly express their thoughts or give directions or instructions.
6. “What did you do this morning?”
Experts say people should avoid asking people with dementia open-ended questions about what they did in the past, as this can cause stress if they can’t answer. It’s better to focus on what’s happening in the present.
7. “You look fine.”
Experts say symptoms and experiences can vary widely among people with dementia. “Society often has preconceived notions of what dementia looks and behaves like, and if someone doesn’t fit that stereotype, it can seem tempting to use the phrase as a compliment,” said Adria Thompson, a licensed speech pathologist in Massachusetts. “It minimizes the individual’s daily struggles and experiences.”
8. “Do you know me?”
For a person with dementia, being asked if they remember someone can be distressing, especially if they were close to that person. If they don’t remember, they may feel guilty or anxious.
9. “Honey, I’ll help you with the teaspoons or run errands.”
Experts say that in general, talking to someone with dementia as if they were an elderly person or a child should be avoided. This includes using a raised voice and using words such as “dear” and “honey.”
They say it’s best to speak more slowly or in a lower tone than usual if it helps the patient.
10. “Your words mean nothing”
Experts say it is important not to criticise the way someone with dementia communicates with others as this can damage their self-esteem. Instead, they advise people to be patient and try to understand their point of view.
11. “You want to be difficult.”
Experts warn that describing the behaviour of people with dementia as “difficult” could increase frustration. They recommend using “empathy and understanding”.
12. Don’t formulate your daily practices in the form of questions
If you are the primary caregiver responsible for your loved one’s toileting, bathing, feeding, or sleep time, you should start by saying, “Let’s go to the bathroom or kitchen.”
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