I understand why Australians are so laid back, I don’t even have to go out

My German pen pal Frank agrees. When he first came to Australia, we took him for a lovely summer walk in the bush. Near the top of a hill, he spotted the front half of a blue-tongue lizard lying on a rock, basking in the sun. “SCHLANGE!” he screamed, hurrying after it down the hill. By the time my partner called after him, “It’s only a lizard, mate,” he had already disappeared.

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Fear. It’s all relative, but I think when we encounter scary creatures in our homes, we’re less worried about our health or death than we are about the (unpleasant) surprise. Well, I didn’t expect that youDear rabid bat, flying into the open window. I didn’t expect you, rArtus ratjumping out of the laundry basket. Enough of the darting and running. We’d all get along better if you creatures were quieter.

Not funny facts at all. Which animal do you think is involved in most deaths in Australia? Sharks, snakes, bees? No. Horses. According to a 2020 NCIS (National Coroner Information System) fact sheet covering 2001 to 2017, horses were responsible for nearly a third of animal-related deaths in Australia. Falls from horses were the leading cause. Accidents with cattle were second, causing about 15% of animal-related deaths.

For years, our home was a menagerie of danger. A duck and a possum fell down the chimney (not at the same time), there was a wasp nest in the bedroom, a huntsman spider gave birth to hundreds of cute little spiders, and a long-horned beetle crawled across a sleeping woman’s face. For a while, we entertained a leopard slug as big as my ring finger in the bathroom at night. I would pick it up by its soft sides and put it back in the shower. In the morning, it would disappear into its isolated slug world, and night after night, I would come to find it. I believe that a deep friendship had developed between Sluggy and me, and I would hear nothing more than that.

The most shockingly bizarre encounter was a few years ago after dinner with a friend from Switzerland. Chocolates were the day’s gift, and I happily hid them in my bag and went back to my small apartment to go to bed. In the middle of the night there came that crackling, piercing sound that at first you don’t believe you actually heard. Then it crackled again and you actually heard it.

I turned on the light just in time to see a mouse crawl out of my bag. I screamed. I stood on my bed. I leaped from the bedroom to the living room like an Olympic long jump. I called my boyfriend and he came over with an empty ice cream box. He had a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

Jo Stubbings is a freelance writer and critic.